AnnaPants’s blog

not enough air
not enough breath
held captive by the iron cage of normalcy
dying to live
         to be free
             to be wild and unsnared
longing to be extraordinary
writing words
    waiting to see what life is born into them

We all have those times when things get a little crazy and are happening all at once.  Now is definitely one of those times.  Work is fun but intense with Summer Reading starting next week, it's almost the end of the quarter so there are papers to be written and tests to take, my Netherlands adventure is drawing closer with deadlines that need to be met.  It's all rather stressful and I find the details of...everything...are leaking right out of my head.

There is an upside though! I'm happy! So happy. My days are sunny and my heart is light thanks in large part to Ryan.  I have a feeling that this summer will be short, intense, full of fun and love.  We're going to cram in as much togetherness, fun, fam time, and general goodness as we can.  I feel like mid-August is racing toward us. 

I am: happy, scared, excited, hopeful.  This year has gotten off to quite the start and I'm looking forward to discovering what's in store. So many changes: friends getting married, having babies, moving, my dad losing his job, the economy spinning out of control and my own personal adventures too. Sadly, SpaceyPants is back. There's just too much filling my head right now.  Maybe I'll be able to write some of it out...but for now it just keeps jumbling and knocking things about.

go outside. take a deep breath. smell it.  the chill in the air, the sweet scent of fall. it sends a thrill of excitement up my spine and puts a smile on my face.

i went to swan falls dam yesterday with a couple of friends. so beautiful there! there's a great house there that the old dam keeper used to live in.  that would be a pretty sweet job i think. big old house out in the middle of nowhere, water and wildlife all around...

today i'm up in idaho city with my parents.  i love it up here - even though i don't get up here as often as i should.  on the drive up here i was thinking of all the things i wanted to do this summer and haven't done yet.  fishing, camping, hiking, berry picking and jam/syrup making with my mom...the summer's not totally over though.  i'm hoping to go camping later this month and i saw elderberries on the way up so the choke cherries are probably about ripe too...  i have had lots of fun though, just gotta make sure i cram some more in before school starts again.

What do you know about yourself?  What are your stories?  The ones you tell yourself. and the ones told by others.  All of us begin somewhere.  Though I suppose the truth is that we begin more than once; we begin many times.  Over and over, we start our own tales, compose our own stories, whether our lives are short or long.  Until at last all our beginnings come down to just one end, and the tale of who we are is done.

where are you dashing apartment man? i asked myself this again and again as i made 5 trips up to my 3rd floor apartment with millions of pounds of groceries.  i'm sure he's out there. somewhere in the complex. and someday - sadly not today - he will see me, heavy laden with grocery bags, trudging up the stairs and offer to help me.  and i, of course, will graciously accept his kind offer.  we'll smile, we'll laugh, he'll carry the heavy things....*sigh* it'll be amazing.

i was texting with a friend tonight and asked him if he wanted to hang out tomorrow night.  i didn't realize until i got his "sounds good to me! i would love to!" that i'd already resigned myself to something along the lines of "well, i'm not sure what's going on yet but i'll let you know" or "maybe, i'll have to see what's going on tomorrow" or "i might be busy, but ..." or any of the many other variations i've gotten.  i was so surprised and pleased by his response! apparently i've gotten used to people, guys especially - even when they're just friends or family, having something better to do. or the hope of something better to do. i realize that with my last "involvement" with super-non-committal-lying-bastard guy i got the message that i wasn't enough.  i was always trying to sweeten the pot with the offer of food, or beer, or a movie he'd been wanting to see, etc. because i so frequently got that hesitant "well...." until i threw something else in there. 

well fuck that.  i've worked too hard to come to grips with my self loathing and rampant doubts to reinforce them with those kinds of thoughts and actions.  if you want to spend time with me, fabulous! i'd love to.  but if i'm not good enough then maybe you aren't either.