AnnaPants’s blog

What do you know about yourself?  What are your stories?  The ones you tell yourself. and the ones told by others.  All of us begin somewhere.  Though I suppose the truth is that we begin more than once; we begin many times.  Over and over, we start our own tales, compose our own stories, whether our lives are short or long.  Until at last all our beginnings come down to just one end, and the tale of who we are is done.

where are you dashing apartment man? i asked myself this again and again as i made 5 trips up to my 3rd floor apartment with millions of pounds of groceries.  i'm sure he's out there. somewhere in the complex. and someday - sadly not today - he will see me, heavy laden with grocery bags, trudging up the stairs and offer to help me.  and i, of course, will graciously accept his kind offer.  we'll smile, we'll laugh, he'll carry the heavy things....*sigh* it'll be amazing.

i was texting with a friend tonight and asked him if he wanted to hang out tomorrow night.  i didn't realize until i got his "sounds good to me! i would love to!" that i'd already resigned myself to something along the lines of "well, i'm not sure what's going on yet but i'll let you know" or "maybe, i'll have to see what's going on tomorrow" or "i might be busy, but ..." or any of the many other variations i've gotten.  i was so surprised and pleased by his response! apparently i've gotten used to people, guys especially - even when they're just friends or family, having something better to do. or the hope of something better to do. i realize that with my last "involvement" with super-non-committal-lying-bastard guy i got the message that i wasn't enough.  i was always trying to sweeten the pot with the offer of food, or beer, or a movie he'd been wanting to see, etc. because i so frequently got that hesitant "well...." until i threw something else in there. 

well fuck that.  i've worked too hard to come to grips with my self loathing and rampant doubts to reinforce them with those kinds of thoughts and actions.  if you want to spend time with me, fabulous! i'd love to.  but if i'm not good enough then maybe you aren't either.

it was so gorgeous out yesterday that i just couldn't stay couped up in my apt.  i wanted to drive, to feel the wind in my hair, and get out of boise.  thankfully erin was game for my crazy ideas and we went to swan falls dam.  on our way out there we discovered just how dumb whistle pigs are.  seriously people. dumb.  there are thousands of them and they just run all over the road.  not seeming to care at all that there are cars going 60mph headed right towards them.  sadly, despite my best efforts, at least one bit the asphalt. we also stopped at dedication point on our way out.  it was beautiful.  i just love so much that you can drive for half an hour and be completely out of boise. i definitely need to take advantage of it more.

well, i decided to finally give it a chance and joined eharmony a few minutes ago.  i'm pretty skeptical about the whole thing, but figure if i'm going to complain about being a singleton i should at least be able to say i've done what i can to rectify the situation.  the thing that tipped me over though was a girl from work who's been having some good/interesting experiences with it.  i figure if nothing else it'll be an experience right? i've been very hesitant to do any online dating in the past, but for some reason it seems like the thing to try right now.  so i am.  and....we'll see...

i see a fork in the path ahead of me.  choices to be made...so hard to know which is right.  what do i want out of life?....well i kind of know that.  i want to do meaningful work - both in the job and ministry sense.  i want to serve God and please Him in all i do.  i want to be married. i want children. i want a home full of laughter and love and a garden to grow things in. is it attainable...i don't know.  that depends on another (unknown) person and God i suppose.  is a masters the right thing to be putting my time, energy, and money into then?  i'm not so sure. as i've said in previous posts, my experience with uw and the dmlis program is so different...so much less...than what i'd thought. hoped. if i was happy with it i might not feel like this, but i'm not and i do.  as i told a friend earlier today, i'm having a hard time with the thought that i'll be unhappy, frustrated and a bit bitter for the next four years.  i can grin and bear it...but should i?  i've worked so long and hard, carried so much hope and anticipation within me to be working on my mlis - to have it done by the time i'm 30. but...i'm here, i'm doing it, and it's not what i thought.

here are some of the other things i could be doing: getting involved with the teen ministry at church, saving money and actually going on mission trips, saving more money to buy a house, being less stressed at work (because school stress carries over), being less stressed in general, having less guilt - usually brought about by not being as dedicated a student as i used to be, growing plants on my little apt. patio, crocheting more, reading more, being a better friend/sister/daughter,

i got into a competitive program though. and the degree would allow me to be a librarian if i moved to another state (it doesn't seem so necessary where i live now), and what would people think? what would my parents think/say? it's quitting right? am i a quitter?

Snarky cynical thought/slogan I had while driving home the other day....and if you know me you know I'm considering adoption for myself someday, so it's not a comment on that...

Adoption: the green solution for the ultimate accessory.

There is a separation  Between man and man, man and nature, man and God.  We are disconnected, distanced.  Something is missing, there should be a connection where there isn't.  We are disembodied beings, absent from the true self we know resides somewhere.  We are looking, looking.  We want to know the reasons, the hows, the whys.  We turn to technology, to ourselves and yet we find not what we seek.  Fruitless, ongoing, dry, our efforts are pointless for all they don't do. There are occasional glimmers of hope, sparks of possibility but so often we miss the signs and find ourselves in an answerless desert. 

I write to explore and purge and share myself.  Much less about voicing my opinions, more about forming and formalizing them.  Less about wanting to be heard by the great "they" more about wanting to fully realize the mysterious "me".