Posts (page 2)

it was so gorgeous out yesterday that i just couldn't stay couped up in my apt.  i wanted to drive, to feel the wind in my hair, and get out of boise.  thankfully erin was game for my crazy ideas and we went to swan falls dam.  on our way out there we discovered just how dumb whistle pigs are.  seriously people. dumb.  there are thousands of them and they just run all over the road.  not seeming to care at all that there are cars going 60mph headed right towards them.  sadly, despite my best efforts, at least one bit the asphalt. we also stopped at dedication point on our way out.  it was beautiful.  i just love so much that you can drive for half an hour and be completely out of boise. i definitely need to take advantage of it more.

well, i decided to finally give it a chance and joined eharmony a few minutes ago.  i'm pretty skeptical about the whole thing, but figure if i'm going to complain about being a singleton i should at least be able to say i've done what i can to rectify the situation.  the thing that tipped me over though was a girl from work who's been having some good/interesting experiences with it.  i figure if nothing else it'll be an experience right? i've been very hesitant to do any online dating in the past, but for some reason it seems like the thing to try right now.  so i am.  and....we'll see...

i see a fork in the path ahead of me.  choices to be made...so hard to know which is right.  what do i want out of life?....well i kind of know that.  i want to do meaningful work - both in the job and ministry sense.  i want to serve God and please Him in all i do.  i want to be married. i want children. i want a home full of laughter and love and a garden to grow things in. is it attainable...i don't know.  that depends on another (unknown) person and God i suppose.  is a masters the right thing to be putting my time, energy, and money into then?  i'm not so sure. as i've said in previous posts, my experience with uw and the dmlis program is so different...so much less...than what i'd thought. hoped. if i was happy with it i might not feel like this, but i'm not and i do.  as i told a friend earlier today, i'm having a hard time with the thought that i'll be unhappy, frustrated and a bit bitter for the next four years.  i can grin and bear it...but should i?  i've worked so long and hard, carried so much hope and anticipation within me to be working on my mlis - to have it done by the time i'm 30. but...i'm here, i'm doing it, and it's not what i thought.

here are some of the other things i could be doing: getting involved with the teen ministry at church, saving money and actually going on mission trips, saving more money to buy a house, being less stressed at work (because school stress carries over), being less stressed in general, having less guilt - usually brought about by not being as dedicated a student as i used to be, growing plants on my little apt. patio, crocheting more, reading more, being a better friend/sister/daughter,

i got into a competitive program though. and the degree would allow me to be a librarian if i moved to another state (it doesn't seem so necessary where i live now), and what would people think? what would my parents think/say? it's quitting right? am i a quitter?

Snarky cynical thought/slogan I had while driving home the other day....and if you know me you know I'm considering adoption for myself someday, so it's not a comment on that...

Adoption: the green solution for the ultimate accessory.

There is a separation  Between man and man, man and nature, man and God.  We are disconnected, distanced.  Something is missing, there should be a connection where there isn't.  We are disembodied beings, absent from the true self we know resides somewhere.  We are looking, looking.  We want to know the reasons, the hows, the whys.  We turn to technology, to ourselves and yet we find not what we seek.  Fruitless, ongoing, dry, our efforts are pointless for all they don't do. There are occasional glimmers of hope, sparks of possibility but so often we miss the signs and find ourselves in an answerless desert. 

I write to explore and purge and share myself.  Much less about voicing my opinions, more about forming and formalizing them.  Less about wanting to be heard by the great "they" more about wanting to fully realize the mysterious "me".

well, alone still actually.  there are things i love about the holidays and things i hate.  i love the extra dose of generousity people express towards each other, i love the lights, i love the cheer and romance of it all, i love the reason for the season of course.  number one on my things i hate list: being alone. i don't always mind being alone, but the holidays make me lonely.  all the special times and memories i don't get to share.  all the time i don't spend snuggled up watching white christmas and it's a wonderful life. the definite acknowledgement that another year has passed.

i have my doubts, but next year? maybe?

I'm done with school for the quarter!!!! I'm so unbelievably glad!!! The source of so much bitterness and frustration has fled - even if only briefly!!!  I'd be shouting this from rooftops if 1) it wasn't so cold outside and 2) I wasn't worried that I'd accidentally fling myself off in all my excitement.  So instead, in a much safer, slightly less satisfying manner, I'm proclaiming it here.  I'M DONE!!!

what do you do when you attain something you've been striving after for years...and it isn't what you thought?  sure i have a specific topic in mind for this question - right now, it's school, but i think this could apply to a number of situations. 

so...school.  getting into a great graduate program for my MLIS has been a goal for, like, four years.  i do well with goals, i like them, knowing what you're going for helps to shape where you're at.  and i've achieved that goal.  i'm in my program of choice.  it's...just not what i thought it would be.  granted - i'm not even a full quarter in and we were told time and again that the first quarter sucks, just make it through the dark tunnel and the sun will start shining again. but still...  so many things aren't what i thought they would be...and it makes me wonder...is it the program? or is it me?  the thing is...i'm a great student (or at least i used to be) i do academia quite well.  i get it.  i care.  but...not with this.  i love that my life isn't about school and that i'm not crazy stressed like i used to be.  but...part of that is a result of not being invested (other than financially - seriously - ouch) or terribly motivated...which is just...weird.  cause like i said, getting here a defining factor of my life.

i'm gonna stick it out for a while. hope that this next quarter is better. but what if it's not? what then?

the pants that is.  i exist.  i'm alive.  really.  sadly, if you thought i was bad about posting before, you're gonna wonder exactly which part of the face of the earth i fell off of for the next few months.  full time work+full time grad school=no pants. 

staccato update: happy, healthy, promoted, makin more monies, hoping to get excited about school soon, having weird teen infested dreams...