2 posts tagged “decisions”

i see a fork in the path ahead of me.  choices to be made...so hard to know which is right.  what do i want out of life?....well i kind of know that.  i want to do meaningful work - both in the job and ministry sense.  i want to serve God and please Him in all i do.  i want to be married. i want children. i want a home full of laughter and love and a garden to grow things in. is it attainable...i don't know.  that depends on another (unknown) person and God i suppose.  is a masters the right thing to be putting my time, energy, and money into then?  i'm not so sure. as i've said in previous posts, my experience with uw and the dmlis program is so different...so much less...than what i'd thought. hoped. if i was happy with it i might not feel like this, but i'm not and i do.  as i told a friend earlier today, i'm having a hard time with the thought that i'll be unhappy, frustrated and a bit bitter for the next four years.  i can grin and bear it...but should i?  i've worked so long and hard, carried so much hope and anticipation within me to be working on my mlis - to have it done by the time i'm 30. but...i'm here, i'm doing it, and it's not what i thought.

here are some of the other things i could be doing: getting involved with the teen ministry at church, saving money and actually going on mission trips, saving more money to buy a house, being less stressed at work (because school stress carries over), being less stressed in general, having less guilt - usually brought about by not being as dedicated a student as i used to be, growing plants on my little apt. patio, crocheting more, reading more, being a better friend/sister/daughter,

i got into a competitive program though. and the degree would allow me to be a librarian if i moved to another state (it doesn't seem so necessary where i live now), and what would people think? what would my parents think/say? it's quitting right? am i a quitter?

Ahhhh!  Why?! Why do we have to make such big and hard decisions?  Why can't we do it all? (yeah...that was rhetorical)  I am often finding myself torn between wanting to be a librarian and wanting to continue my English Lit education.  I love learning and thinking about lit, especially the medieval stuff, and I even enjoy formulating my thoughts through writing, presentations, and mini lectures.  I would really enjoy being a professor - no highschoolers thank you - but I also feel called to librarianship.  And in all practicality I can't do both.  I'm already going to be in school for at 7-9 years.  I don't think I could go another 5 or 6.  At some point you have to apply what you're doing, not just learn about it.  I just wish there was some nice, inexpensive way to do it all - or I didn't feel so strongly about both.  I'm going with the library thing because I love it, feel called to it, and it's more practical for me, but it's still tough.

I think it's especially tough because I'm graduating in a few months.  It's very scary and sad to think this part of my life is almost done.  I don't want it to be but I know that (at least at this stage in the game) without the structure of school and deadlines, I don't study this stuff on my own.  I guess that's something I want to change about myself eventually.  I want to be discipled enough to read Joyce's Ulysses and Dostoevsky's Brothers Karamazov and Virgil's Aeneid on my own and to seek out interaction and discussion of the works.