2 posts tagged “introspection”

I am: happy, scared, excited, hopeful.  This year has gotten off to quite the start and I'm looking forward to discovering what's in store. So many changes: friends getting married, having babies, moving, my dad losing his job, the economy spinning out of control and my own personal adventures too. Sadly, SpaceyPants is back. There's just too much filling my head right now.  Maybe I'll be able to write some of it out...but for now it just keeps jumbling and knocking things about.

i was texting with a friend tonight and asked him if he wanted to hang out tomorrow night.  i didn't realize until i got his "sounds good to me! i would love to!" that i'd already resigned myself to something along the lines of "well, i'm not sure what's going on yet but i'll let you know" or "maybe, i'll have to see what's going on tomorrow" or "i might be busy, but ..." or any of the many other variations i've gotten.  i was so surprised and pleased by his response! apparently i've gotten used to people, guys especially - even when they're just friends or family, having something better to do. or the hope of something better to do. i realize that with my last "involvement" with super-non-committal-lying-bastard guy i got the message that i wasn't enough.  i was always trying to sweeten the pot with the offer of food, or beer, or a movie he'd been wanting to see, etc. because i so frequently got that hesitant "well...." until i threw something else in there. 

well fuck that.  i've worked too hard to come to grips with my self loathing and rampant doubts to reinforce them with those kinds of thoughts and actions.  if you want to spend time with me, fabulous! i'd love to.  but if i'm not good enough then maybe you aren't either.